Tradesies? Anyone?

Today we go to the endo again.  Thank God, because the latest insulin ratios still aren’t quite right.  Cam misses P.E. and running around at recess.  When there’s lots of sugar in your blood, you get to sit around making sure you don’t start up the ketones…  I miss going a day without a call from the school nurse.  I miss when Cam would come home from school proud that he did all of his work at school and got to play video games instead of homework.  I miss full nights of sleep.  I wish I could trade someone.  Just give them my worry for a day so I could go about my business.  Even just a few hours.  Just make sure they’re during the night when I want to sleep but all I can think about is whether or not I should go poke his little finger again, just to make sure he’s going to be ok.

Tomorrow’s our first appt with the gastro dr.  We read some kids’ books about celiac last night.  They touched on endoscopy.  I was glad because all I keep reading is that that’s what they’ll do next with him and I haven’t had the heart to mention it.  He’s so sick of test and procedures and being DIAGNOSED with something.  After explaining what endoscopy was, he was so upset at the idea of going to sleep so they could do a test it broke my heart.  I hate having to put him through these things.  I don’t need any reminders that it’s not bad because we need to figure it out.  I’m perfectly aware of that.  I just hate it anyways.

Last night Ethan slept with me.  I watched him thinking about how much it would kill me if he, too, had to end up going through these problems.  They tell you that they’re autoimmune diseases and genetic.  The whole idea that you passed something on to your child  that’s hurting them while you’re living fine and healthy kills you.  In the short time since Cam was diagnosed, I’ve never felt so desperate for a cure.

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