overwhelming frustration

I’m so tired.  I’m tired because I can’t sleep.  Since I don’t sleep, I’m too tired to get hungry and I forget meals.  Then I get a cold.  Ugh.  Sometimes I get so stressed about C and making he’s healthy and eating the right amount of good food minus the gluten that I realize I haven’t been noticing homework and then I have something new to stress about.  It’s so hard to fall asleep and then there’s the damn alarm at 2 am.  Once I’m up checking his blood glucose, I’m up.  There’s no falling back asleep.  There’s been a few times in the past week I’ve watched the clock change to 5:00.  Most nights it’s somewhere in the 4:00/:30 range.  I’ll have a million things running through my head.  You know, all the things I normally thought about in the daytime when I could do something about it.  Now I just spend my days running back and forth meeting C for insulin, picking them up from school, trying to work in between, meeting with the teachers… it’s never ending.  I come home and feel so overwhelmed that I don’t do squat.  I look at the laundry that needs to be put away and I don’t care.  I see medical bills that I need to call about and find out why they’re not billing insurance and I don’t even know where to start.  I look at the pile of papers on my desk that are just waiting to get filed and look away.  I just feel exhausted.  If I try to take a nap I feel guilty for not doing the things I should.  I’m truly frustrated right now.  I have way too much on my plate and I don’t know how to juggle it all.  My mom’s here and thank goodness because the boys wouldn’t have lunches at school if she weren’t up early making them and we definitely wouldn’t have any clean dishes.  We wouldn’t have any food in the cupboards if she wasn’t going grocery shopping.  I just wish I could hand over C’s care.  Even for a short time.  A few hours and not feel on edge.  When he’s not with me, I feel like he’s in danger.  My mom can take care of him and I trust her, but I can’t be sure that she or he will remember to test his blood before bed.  He’s got an alarm on his phone as to when to take his Lantus, but what if he doesn’t hear his phone?  Will anyone remember?  It’s so frustrating.  Our school health tech is really nice, but I don’t see her being the slightest bit involved in his insulin-giving at lunch.  I’ve told her on many occassions that my plan is to NOT come every day forever, but I don’t know if she even knows what to do.  He’s at an age where he does everything himself, but he NEEDS supervision because he IS a kid and he IS new to this.  He needs someone else to count his carbs because sometimes he missing some on his list.  He needs someone to double check the number on his insulin pen to be sure that it’s the right amount.  It’s so crazy important that even though I know how great he is, I can’t trust any 10 year old (even him) to always do everything right.
Anyway, there’s my rant.  Now if I were only screaming all of this loudly I might feel a little better  🙂


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